Way to be...!!!

My friends have always called me a "Workaholic"... And I have, more often than not, taken pride on being called so. I have thought it's my specialty to run and yet not feel tired. I have thought it is such a wonderful feeling to complete my work over the weekend and show it up the next week day.. I have enjoyed the expression of awe on my peers when I do that. But within me, there is this deep voice that keeps saying, "Charan, don't worry you are working so much.. Don't worry that you'll miss those little things that have made you feel better. You can very well balance both these worlds... with Swami around you all the while!"

I have never been unhappy in my personal life. I have always enjoyed going thro the ups and downs... But at times, I feel my work eats up my personal space, time and self. And in such times, I look up to Swami and say, "Please handle this for me. I am feeling broken. Just rest in my heart.. let me know you are there. I'm a crank who, once in a while, wonders if you really do love me. Don't feel bad for it.. please!"

And in response, Swami gives me one strong shot of rejuvenation.. through situations I never anticipate... just like this weekend.

There are two things that I value the most next to my family and Swami.. Music and SVAP! (If you didn't understand what SVAP meant, please revisit my earlier posts!!) And I enjoyed showers of love and goodness from both over this weekend. A brilliant music programme for a unique occasion.. A dozen kids singing the tunes I had the privilege of teaching... When the programme ended, I felt I had just gotten back to living after 1 month of just "being"!

"Well, that's not enough!", Swami chided.. He gave me touching moments over dinner with SVAP. I have managed to answer my buddies, whatever they ask, and that too, to their satisfaction. But the dinner was kind of different.. They asked me simple questions I never knew answers for.. They told me little words to which I never knew how to react.. And in spite of all this, I was smiling with a couple of tears ready to roll off any moment. Flattery is not something I desire or deserve. But when I saw straight into each of those eyes that were looking at me, I felt I was being loved more than I had ever imagined. I probably didn't get up and hug them, but they knew I was doing it.. A hundred times all through...

I don't know why I'm writing this on a public wall. I thought I should write... do one of those "little" things that are inevitable for my "living". I don't know how my weekends ahead are going to be. But I know, that I'm being loved so much that these worries would lose in a tug-o-war.

Love...

Sri!

A day to remember...

Dated: 13 Aug 09

I think Keelu was right when he said, "This is your first milestone and you need to put it on record..." I haven't come into blogspace for real long now.. Probably due to the lack of the right mindset, work pressure or a hundred other reasons... But I thought I should write today... Not to let the readers know that I have become a Chartered Accountant today but to impress my feeling this moment onto this wall. I wish I never delete this post.

Early at 9 30 this morn, Rohit, my colleague at work, asked on the elevator, "Hey, so you are going to be a Chartered Accountant?" And that's when I actually got heated up and secreted more adrenaline straight into my head.. The panic button was switched on... And the only one Emergency alert key I knew was the right navigation key on my mobile phone! The Music player loaded with my most favourite bhajans filled some faith in me and I watched on in patience. The suspense unveiled and I came to know I had done it... Or rather I was made to do it. I called up my bro and said, "Dude, I'm a Chartered Accountant today" (Though technically not.. Lil more of internship pending).

Emotions enveloped me... My mom's voice over the phone - I heard her shed tears of joy and I felt I was being a repsonsible son giving her what she deserved (if not a lil less). The numerous calls from all acquaintances - The "Machi pikkara" from friends, "I'm happy for you" from my Admin staff, "I love you" from my kith and kin, "You deserved it Chief" from my juniors... I wasn't on Cloud nine... I was in fact walking on the ground floor for 2 whole hours. To be frank, I didn't feel the world turn around welcoming me; nor did I feel an additional medal pinned on my chest... My feeling was primarily gratitude and joy.. I remember telling one of my buddies, "Swami maela irundhu thooki pottaaru.. naan catch pudichittaen". Might sound silly.. But I seriously believe it.

Few things that touched my heart.. deep within.. The moment I saw many of my school friends change their status messages to "Charan is now CA"; the way my 94 yr old deaf grandpa picked the phone and said "Congratulations kanna"; the enthu in my grandma's voice when she said, "Rey Auditor!"; the pride in my dad's voice; the hug from Keelu and the lovely musical session with Ram. I knew God has been blessing me abundantly... But so much all in one day?! Mind blowing!!!

Love,
Sri...

The deeper ones. . . ! Part-1

Forever been a passionate follower of the Sherlock Holmes series... And was lucky to have had my hand on few of the English oldies based on the book. I have always been baffled and sometimes annoyed by the vocabulary of the author of this series - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle... annoyed cos he makes me use the dictionary almost all the while... Baffled for the depth in his words and the richness in his philosophy. To give the least feel of it, I write on here, a dialogue in the movie "The Pearl of Death"...

"No more than a symbol of greed and cruelty and lust for power that have set men at each other’s throats down thro the centuries and the struggle will go on Watson… for a pearl, a kingdom, perhaps even world dominion till the greed and cruelty have burnt out of every last one of us. And when that time comes, perhaps even this pearl will be washed clean again..."

 I thought these words would be a fine beginning for this post... Movies have been a great way to while away time for me these days. I have never been moved by emotions on the screen (excluding Taare Zameen Par and the like) and never have I thought so much after watching a movie than I did post "Luck by chance" with Sushi and TR (No.. that's not Simbu's dad! This guy is more hilarious and expressive than him and hey...! Does speak good English haan?!)... I remember telling TR i did not know how to react at the end of the movie. Was I to feel happy? Sad? Contented? Come on guys...! It is just fine with me to spend 3 hours to try to find out what the makers wanted to say, but I should know it at the end! You can't make me feel numb (rather dumb??)! 

But on the way back, it dawned on me that the movie said everything subtly, in deep silence... The darkness in the film industry, the clash of ethics, the silly courage of power, the stupid reason to corrupt or flatter, the lust for stardom, the idiocy of greed and the basic realities of falsehood.... It said it all. And it made it me think on all that night. 

The film, by fair judgments, was the best ever known realistic portrayal of the film industry... But it hurt me, in true sense, about how extremely selfish people can become. It made me feel I was in a big big selfish world around me.. I was seeing probably all roses. It made me realise there is no right or wrong in the world. There are no ethical rules for the world. Ethics are self made, self tailored and self amended!! 

I wouldn't be right in saying I'm totally selfless. After all, none of us are. But on my scale, it is not being selfish when you think about yourself. It is being selfish when you think ONLY about yourself. And this latter statement was just the theme of the hero's line in the movie. I, in fact, started wondering if I will have to do all this foul play to move on big in life?! Is it a reality I'm missing to see? Am I moving on blindfolded? Or am I adamant not to remove the blinds?

My thoughts swirled all night... I spent hours listening to my favourite bhajans to interrupt my thought process. A guy with a unique craze for numbers - You know how I would take comfort on uncertainties of future! Watch the trends... Look at past performance... Extrapolate!! I did the same. 

I wasn't born with a silver spoon... But it hasn't been such a rugged path for me till here. I haven't achieved pinnacles but I'm climbing pretty fast. The people I have met, the buddies who love me, almost everyone who knows me - I don't think I have played a selfish game for winning their hearts. I have never buttered someone to take on good projects at work... But i still hold a good place in my organisation. And I still work on the real big projects! And then did it dawn (reality as well as a metaphor!!) that THE SECRET is all that matters!! The altitude of thoughts, the purity of heart will take you wherever you have to go. After all, I don't say God takes me wherever I have to go. I take responsibilities for my life. So aethists, beware before you comment on this!! 

I would just say that I believe, "At the end of the day, it does not matter at all how big you are outside. What matters is how big you are within...!"

This is just the beginning of the secret! TR has a major role to play in the episodes to be narrated henceforth... So See you soon guys!! Do comment... I know you have quite an opinion on this...

Love..

Sri!!

"Untitled"

The days of Mani Ratnam craze... Alaipaayuthey... Kannathil Muthamittaal... I have seen the former movie quite a lot of times.. The latter, only once - and that very solitary time I saw the movie, it moved me. The thought of the pathetic lives of "War prisoners" and the song "Vidai kodu endhan naadae" impacted me more than I could ever explain... That very night, I sat up to write this piece... I have never shown it to anyone all these years.. I was digging my shelf this morning for a book and ended up pulling out the scratch of paper on which I wrote this poem... I have not titled it. I thought I better not do. It is a personal, abstract feeling and I didn't want to exploit it anymore....

"Whale in a pond" - Odd isn't it?
So small a territory
- though same the inmates!
So strange a world
- though same the livings!
So are we - odd better!!
To where do we belong?
"Men of no land" - better said...

War at home - the "hunt" for peace...
The pursuit ended in more havoc!
More chaos - in where we landed...
Panicking, running for lives...
Fearing to be "Prisoners of war"
We are "Prisoners for survival"!!!

The world we live in,
The faces we see...
Caught for mortem -
Our lives and our thoughts!
So pleasing to hear "Rights"...
So meek to have none...!
To where do we belong?!

Where no one lives except with fear? or...
Where everyone lives except with rights??
Let us... Our posterity??
"Generation - Prisoners" are we...??
A better option - "to die"
Than "to live dead"!!

My @ Home days!!

I've been at home now for more than a month... I was so damn excited about staying home for so long after my college days ended. But yeah! I wasn't given leave for a leisure trip to the Swiss!!

I have always been this meticulous guy who plans every damn thing perfectly before starting study. I did it almost perfectly this time round as well. Well begun is half done, yeah?! It is just half done till date. I never believed when a couple of my seniors told it is pretty hard to get into the study drive especially after slogging for insane hours at office for more than a year and half. Bullshit!! I thought... I have probably been misled by my fantasy... He was more than a 100% right!!!

I shouldn't take the blame more than necessary though.. True I was a lil playful, a lil reckless and a lil too lazy... (Well now, insert that "Anniyan" dialogue for me here... "10 paisa thiridina thappaa" thingy! Suits me well, at least in this juncture!) But I better feel happy, I did not waste all the sweet times... Did quite a lot of useful things... And here I go in telling you what so good and bad I did, felt and thought in my "@ home days"!

Web su do ku!!! I have become one total addict to this site... Especially cos the ranking it gives encourages me. (I'm now on rank 13!!) It has been my habit that I solve the su do ku everyday on The Hindu. One reason my dad still doesn't mind buying the daily reader... I at least get to flip through the pages after the su do ku is done. To keep my brain ticking, I thought I'd play more of su do ku on the net... Nice idea right?! Well it kept ticking too much.... I lived on these su do kus for at least 12 hours a day for the first 15 days! I'd surely not call it a total waste of time EOD!!!

Warcraft III - As a kid, I have never played video games... Better late than never, you see!! Warcraft, Age of Empires, NFS and NFS underground kept me occupied for some 3 hours a day... I loved NFS and NFS underground cos I won the games genuinely!! :) Okay now, don't think how I win Warcraft... Only my junior Ambarish knows about it!!!

The lil left out time in the day goes for my after noon naps, the soothing evening walks and my morning tuitions! Every night, I go to my study schedule and shamelessly look at what all I have been accumulating, undone. But I think it is just natural to be a lil casual in the first "few" days.

"The Quality of English is twice blest!
It blesseth him that takes him that gives!!"

If you are thinking where these lines came in suddenly, it is my appreciation for the ambiguous words in English like few, around, about... And the lines?! A rip off from "Quality of Mercy" by Shakespeare !! :)

There are certain specific things I'd like to say... Deeper ones.. More thoughtful moments... Very insightful incidents... Catch you soon with them! This is just the prelude!!!

Love...
Sri!!