Darkness, behold!!

We all go through tough days, don't we? We have minds that wobble, wander and meander for a resolve; a resolve that never is present elsewhere than within...

And in my view, there are two reasons why days can get tough - for reasons you can't do much about and for ones that are very much in our control. It aches worse to be going thro' the latter. And that may I call, "darkness - self imposed".

Darkness - I have heard of you; yes I have...
I have seen you too, may be yes... but not as much
Ever wondered - Why not just hold light, than fret in fear?!
Why not just live broad daylight than venture the unknown??
Why not rush back to light, for fear doesn't thrill, does it!
If only rushing back was as easy...

Well, there I stand - in the middle of nowhere,
Going back and forth in memory - On the bygone and the "to go";
What brought me here, and in all this dark - where from here?
The past hovers and the future lingers – the present, very much the same
Is there anything at all, that keeps me going?

Yes there is – For one, I surely trust
The voice within – the one that cries peace in chaos
The one that darkness can challenge but never win…
Thanks to what little I have held on to – I am listening keen
Wading thro’ the chaos, reaching out to the feeble cry – the only one…

I look up – though in vain, in all the dark,
And say, “My shepherd, I know – this sheep strayed against your command,
But the sheep is still yours! Don’t let this dark devour you,
For the “rs” doesn’t mean much–nothing it is,
Nothing it can be - Without “you”!

You sent me here, with a secret we share; My bad – I never remember,
But you do – I know. Take my word and give me yours,
You shall not beckon me back – unless it is done!
My word? Never will I take onus of this self, from your safe hands!
That by itself, is such a mirage I know. But Sir,
You put quite some task sending me here!!

Love you Hero,
Sri!

The material ABSTRACT and the immaterial WORLD!

I have a lot to pen down... Quite a lot since I last wrote here. I was talking to my junior Abi a couple of days back on how writing helps me; how well it helps me follows my thoughts to their inner meanings; how greatly it helps me consolidate my character and how satisfied it keeps me to express what is happening within. All that being true, I can only pray I write more, and talk a lot lesser.

Before I go knee deep on my thoughts, it would be safe for me to give a quick flashback of what all happened the last three months. Are you asking why "safe"? Been hearing complaints about amiguity on my context more often than appreciation for good content. 

12 '11 till 02 '12... I probably have to use advanced search functions to find out a similar stretch of 3 months with so much fun and frolic over the past 5 years... And I already see "No results found" on the dumb screen. A lovely trip with SVAP - D (Deepak included :) ) to Masanagudi in late December, a memorable CFL award at work, accolades from colleagues, appreciation from my line, a happy-happy performance rating, my most beloved student clearing his CA Inter exams with Woh! marks, an unexpected trip to KL, catch up with Prakash at Langkawi, a sweet Coimbatore visit with office colleagues, lovely outing to Catherine falls... Doesn't that sound like an over doze? It does, at least for me.

What does a profound title like that have to do with such happy times? I have always learnt and tried remembering from my best reads, that good and bad times carry lessons. Experiences come with a reason, and there never is an exception to the rule. Unfortunately, we take the bad ones too seriously and the good ones, too lightly. In either case, we never look out for the lesson. The most precious moments for insight are often lost in grudge on the person who was the physical cause for the event, or worse, in cursing god for all the ill luck He is showering on us. If I do know this, it is unreasonable not to look back and understand what my lessons were from these experiences...

Masanagudi was selected as "the spot" for SVAP's annual outing based on our earlier experience with Parambikulam sanctuary (Top slip). Too much an expectation, I tell you! We travelled 16 hours from Chennai to spot two deers, one peacock, and one other animal that the driver suspected to be a leopard (he probably wanted to please us!). In material sense, it was not what an agmark CA would call "value for money"... But the conversations that got exchanged, the insights that we shared and the love in our hearts meant so much that it belittled all these flops. We realised how much we missed and needed each other in our lives; how important it was to have loving friends share their frank opinions about each other and spend quality time on the self.

I also so fondly remember how much I longed to travel out of India... All my close friends had travelled - US, UK, Singapore, Dubai, Australia.... I have always felt I should get the experience closer to today than to the unknown future. And when my boss pulled up the KL plan overnight, I was jumping! I, in fact wanted to get back and write a blog on the KL visit, strewn with pics. I don't know how many times I thanked Swami for the opportunity - He should have thought "Ivana laam vaechi...!". But closer to departure, there was a strange emptiness in me, I was no more thrilled nor was I afraid of going away from home.

Indifference - I think, is apt. When I landed in KL, yeah, it was good to be in a foreign land, but things after all weren't so different, especially after seeing a mini Tamil nadu out there! What made my experience of KL memorable was the Mahashivrathri bhajans - I walked 40 mins through the stinking fish markets of KL to spot my Hero's physical abode - The Sathya Sai Centre of Ampang. How I felt during the bhajans and the vedic chants is quite unexplainable, or even if it is explainable, I leave the bliss to the silent memory of my inner confines. Not just that, the love my long time client and her husband showered on me was way too much. Taking someone around the city at 12 in the night? If I were hosting a dinner for a foreign colleague in India, I sure wouldn't do as much!

The Langkawi experience - the beautiful blue beaches, natural scenery, loads of profile pics, strange sports like eagle feeding, freak out with friends in a deserted beach and most of all - the 3 hour chat with Prakash on the beach side, looking up at the skies.. What more can garner that feeling?!

If the point hasn't reached yet, I just need to prune my writing skills more! :)

Life's most important and impacting companion is the abstract - the invisible. The joy of being with people you love, the care in speaking selflessly for a friend, the warmth in hugging your beloved, the bliss of the divine, the vibes within listening to the sound of a beautiful cascade, the solemn through the silent walk into the private tea estates, the sparkle of pride in the eyes of Saip's mom are all abstract. The abstract is very uncanny - he fills the heart momentarily, but disappears in the hides of time. The more we realise and connect to the abstract, the more happy and balanced we will be as human beings.

Who cares if Sri went to KL or Langkawi or Masanagudi? Who cares if my student scored a 45 or 62? Who cares where I saw the deer and leopard? Who cares how much Sri got for his CFL award? Trivial they are, and carry no value over time. The material world - gains too much attention, and loses so much as Indian cricket team would, if they ducked in a test series. The more we connect and care on the material, the more wanting and less loving, we will be as human beings.

The material abstract and the immaterial physical...

Love,
Sri