Well, I do believe!!

I believe...
I'm good, growing and learning; though I know
I am not seeing enough of the million lessons that are being orchestrated for me.

I believe...
I'm being tuned every moment by invisible hands to be what is planned for me, yet
I keep screeching like the old radio, without knowing which frequency to capture.

I believe...
I'm living my life the way I want it, yet causing the irony -
Stopping a lot of people from living lives the way they want to.

I believe...
I'm running to be the best of men I know, though I sincerely acknowledge
I am not even there in the league that's racing.

I believe...
I'm being hand held and guided along my path, yet screwed up on my head
Not to believe it most times and venture the dark in vain.

I believe...
I am down-to-earth, though at times people say,
"Your earth is slightly above mine".

I believe...
I'm an extrovert caring loads for people I love, yet
so selfish and introvertic not to love the people I don't love.

I believe...
I'm blessed to be embraced and cuddled by so many, though
I'm silly enough to throw away relations at will, without thought.

I believe...
I'm doing quite a lot for my world, also knowing
"Quite a lot" is not quite enough for my world.

I believe...
I'm devouring my ego myself and being humbler, but hey..
I want to devour it myself. Who are you to insult me?

I believe...
I'd someday be an inspiration for someone if not many, in spite of knowing
Day dreaming is not so great after all, "day working" is.

I believe...
I'd be missed when I am gone, though I know
It is not so bad as people missing me when I'm still around

I believe...
I will soon find some reason for believing all this,
And I more than believe that this reason exists!

For without this reason, without this will, We wouldn't exist.
What am I if I don't believe?!

With loads of faith,
Sri...

Sparkles... over time!

I'm seated here...

On a white cozy chair next to an old oak table with silver beading beside a plush Samsung LCD TV, after a refreshingly long bath in 434 of The Zuri, Whitefield, B'lore. This, probably, has been my most comfortable stay in all these years of travel.. Thanks to my employer, he pampers me like a kid! In spite of all this luxury, I feel extremely lonely sitting in this room, watching barely at the brown wall in front of me, and occasionally munching my almond snack. Travel is never boring for me.. but today, it is.

It is... Probably because I don't have my Akil to patiently wait for me for hours at the Forum mall, just to say a bright "Hi" without even letting me feel guilty for the delay; ask me courteously where we shall go and pleasingly accompany me to the same restaurant over and over again, just cos I love the Bindhi masala there! Or is it because I was all hyped up last time I was at this place, for my successful results gracefully donated to me and incidentally have no such stuff this time around? Or is it cos I badly miss the manager who would happily take me from Blore to Parthi overnight in spite of all his physical strain? Or...

Well, whatever!! This solitude and emptiness makes me realize that I need to speak today.. Or rather "Speak out"... On a couple of things that have made me think in the recent past and those that impacted my ways. I don't plan to write a flowing note here... I plan to pen down - "as is" caught up within me.

My energy hub runs NDTV - 24by7, I literally meant 24by7.  That's one reason why I prefer picking my coffee and carrying it to my desk for a relaxed sip. I somehow do not understand why 24by7 news channels (that too, a dozen of them!) are needed in India. Well they do have something to keep showing.. Be it the Page 3 shots from yesterday's party at Vijay Mallya's beach house; or the Ground Zero coverage of fan response for Endhiran; or the quasi entertainment avatar of showing exceprts from reality shows - Headline at the heated 9 in the morning goes "Top thief exits BIG BOSS 3 on Day 1" - Waah! What indispensable news for people to know!! But I should not be so unfair to them either.. They have given me humour to laugh over for more than weeks.. "DELHI MAY CRAWL TODAY" - Well if you did not understand that, it is supposed to mean traffic snarls are up in Delhi due to CWG. The next one is the best - "BUTT BACKS OFF" - no comments! Indian media, in my opinion, is more bothered about publicizing itself than providing what is needful to the people. There are times my mom would coerce me to watch news every day. These days, she shys away seeing what is disguised as news. What counts most for them is the fasionable statements like "Exclusively on Times Now", "Pictures of the accident - first shown on world television".. Well, I wouldn't blame them for all this - they are probably forced to or, they probably like being forced to do so. One recent consolation was the way the media handled the Babri masjid case - "Putting India first" - for once showing solidarity in thought and ethical responsibility. I would want to write more on this.. but something else is overpowering my intention...

"Conversations with God" - This book caught my eye when I was perusing thro' the multitude of books in Landmark. The topic interested me.. And I read the preface.. It was about a man who incidentally happened to get responses from God for questions on his personal life. It soon became a habit and he started penning down all that God told him and published it as a book. Mind it.. It is not fiction.. It is a real life piece of work. The preface won in a tug of war between the price and content and I ended up buying the book. It was a philosophy in slightly complex words.. I read the pages at least twice before I turned each of them. The book re emphasized my belief that we are small pieces of the vaster divine. It told me that God is an experience and not a phenomenon. It captivated me when it said that all happens as a result of our present and past thoughts and deeds. I linked each word of it to my present faith - karma, omniscience, omnipresence, world conscience, the energy within & above.. And I felt great!! But then, it slowly moved into higher contents like the reason for world sorrow, hunger, illness - all in first tense as God's very own words. It was a full lot of 15 pages.. And I managed to read it once. I re read it once again and then the third time. And beyond that, I shut the book and left it in my shelf - untouched for over 20 days now.

I ask myself why I did it.. Somehow, it made me uncomfortable to try to know beyond what I know. I did not want the philosophy to sink in me by reading a 100 times.. it has to flow by experience. I realize that I did the right thing. In my opinion, philosophies are not created by mere thought. Instead, deeply motivated habits/deeds, unknowingly, become philosophy in due course of time. Siddhartha did not walk into the forest to create a philosophy.. He went to practise habits/deeds that would make him happy. And then one day, someone called it "Buddhism"! This is the reason why I enjoyed reading the book until I connected to what it said - cos I believed in it and lived in that faith. When the book reached heights I have never been to, it looked like nothing more than a thermophysics book to me! I knew nothing it said... I haven't realised any word it said. I probably would read it again some day.. some time when I am beyond those peaks too.. and feel really great again.

Until then, Ignorance is bliss!! And until then, I would remember this evening I planned to blog after long and scribe down my silly yet sincere thoughts.

Here I am seated, thinking beyond time, enjoying the dim light of my table lamp and the silent hum of my laptop's fan.. about the heart filling way in which I spent the last four hours!

Love,
Sri

3 yrs @ work!!

I completed three years at my first workplace last Friday... I actually didn't even think I should sit back and reflect on all these days that's just gone past me.. but when I sat to blog after a long time today, I was looking for something that I could write on... something that's light.. not a deeper one again!  

I notice people read the deeper ones but seldom comment... I don't have reason to complain until they felt there is even very lil truth in what I had said. I guess people don't blog to develop a fan base.. At least I don't! Well, yeah.. So, I thought I should write on 3 yrs of corporate life... I wish I don't fill you with too many introspections in this piece!!

Those were the final days at college... I had been the organizer, editor of a couple of newsletters and pretty much known to every Commerce student in college... I would be telling you a very obvious lie if I said I did not like being recognized. I loved the fact that people knew me but I ensured I never fed my ego on it. Thanks to my spiritual affiliation.. I guess I handled limelight quite well. And yeah, there were people better known than me... the Secretary, Cul Sec, and a bigger list.. So I better not have ego!! :)

The last two years of college had given me a lot of confidence. I have always believed I would do well with extra curriculars but Loyola was my first "on ground" experience. I remember Sarvesh and Arun Davis cornering me near the coffee shop and asking where I'd join articleship... I had no idea... Guys around me were talking Greek if not Bulgarian.. Din make a difference to me!! Frankly, I hadn't even thought abt it. That very evening, an acquaintance told me about this place and gave me the contact. I didn't even know to whom I was speaking to (realised after joining that it was the Partner!) , but I remember asking him over the phone, "Could you please spell your firm name?!" I'm surprised he excused me for that!

From there on, the interviews, aptitude test and stuff went on pretty well. And hey, I'd fondly remember and laugh over the way the GD happened. We had a panel of three to judge us and I guess there were 5 participants that day. The AC vents blew straight on me and I tried my best to remain calm. I have my limits of patience, eh?! The next thing I did was... grabbed the AC remote and turned it off.. One of the panelists was staring at me! And then I realised.. "lighta too much a pannitomo?!" I gave a timid smile at her and said, "I guess you don't mind it for a while". "Bulb da mach unakku!" I told to myself walking out of the conference room that day. It was two days before "Big Bucks" (our departmental festival at Loyola) and I got a call on my antique Motorola mobile at Valluvar Kottam signal. Movies have always associated calls at signals to bad news! Thank god mine was otherwise! Sarvesh was through as well and we decided to join work on April 2,'07, the day our final sem study hols started!

If I shall talk about all the incidents @ work in these 3 years, I might end up in a book a lil bigger than Chetan Bhagat's "3 mistakes of my life", a lil less interesting though. I have also spoken quite a lot on work life in previous blogs. On a personal note, I've always believed that my personal life is different from professional life and I still believe it. I still remember telling one of my close friends, corporate life doesn't want to know how good you are at heart. It wants you to show how shrewd and sharp you are, up there on your head. True it is, but I have also come to understand, I can't live a machine at work place. I need to have my own tune that shall not disturb work and there is absolutely no need for me to copy the common tune on the floor.

I have met very good ppl and built great relations in these years... Warm peers who understood me completely, very concerned managers who gave great support and confidence to do what I wanted to myself... close buddies who wouldn't even talk to me at work but watched every move of mine and corrected the wrong ones... Inspiring top heads, friendly admins and a real cozy workplace that I'd not miss visiting at every chance in spite of the memorable long & stressed out nights there!

Well... I don't know how good Ive been to all these ppl.. but I know that on any day, if these ppl were to list down the names they remember from here, mine would at least be the last one...

Love...

Sri!

The Deeper Ones (Part - II)

I wish I had Amaron batteries fitted onto my body.. "Lasts long.. really long!"
I sit and wonder these days how many times I would have told my dear ones that I'd never live a mundane life.. waking up at 6; bathing at 7; leaving to work at 8:30; get back home at 8; watching chat shows on TV for a couple of hours and then sleep off. Good heavens.. my life isn't like this. It's a lot worse! I seldom do the last three things I said. Somehow, I feel I have been losing connections to my own self.. Thanks to the cute lil flowers, the bubbly kids on the streets, the occasional laugh at work despite all stress and the more occasional family gossip.. for only in these situations, I feel my heart.. I feel a glimpse of real joy peeping in. At least, I'm "living" those moments...

I don't blame my work. That was my choice. I fought up to become a chartered accountant... to slog and prove. I know this is just a temporary tide... I wouldn't just "be" all life. And it doesn't mean I roamed arnd as a piece of science from Japan all these days. I have had my feelings, deep reflections, small incidents that impacted me big.

The one I've always wanted to write about was the new year eve celebrations. For the first time since my teens, I decided to spend my NY eve without bhajans... And guess what? I went for a rap concert in MGM Dizzee World... Pikachu was leaving abroad a day later and I badly wanted to spend time with SVAP. The start was fun! The moment we walked into the arena, I actually felt bad.. not cos I wasn't at home listening to my fav bhajans but seeing the youth crowd there and the crazy things they were upto. All drunk, most crazily dancing and a few even stripping their shirts off! They were probably "ENJOYING", they'd say! Well, I choose not to use the word for such action. I don't blame them. But I'm bothered...

I'm bothered we'd falsify the expectations placed on us. Brainy stat profs say India would have the largest youth population in the decade to come... India would be in a mad race against the world and become an economic super power. Indian youth would have the biggest roles to play in all spheres of the society..I trust the brains that told all these, with the very little logic mine carries! But, is the title "super power" all that we need to live and prosper? If money is all that counts, then we sure will rock! But if humanity, love, care and morality do matter, we will starve, a lot more than Somalia does, today. For we are slowly becoming self centred, paddled horses running on our own tracks just to be catching up with the materialistic world. How long would we run? Until we just stop for we do not know our destinations.

Well, if you are thinkin, "Is all fine, Sri?", guys.. "ALL IZZ WELL!" These writings keep me aware of the fact that I should never become one such paddled horse all life. I'm sure I won't though I actually am running now. It's okay to run but it's not okay to keep running. My days would change and I'd start living my heart out!

Love...
Sri!