The Deeper Ones (Part - II)

I wish I had Amaron batteries fitted onto my body.. "Lasts long.. really long!"
I sit and wonder these days how many times I would have told my dear ones that I'd never live a mundane life.. waking up at 6; bathing at 7; leaving to work at 8:30; get back home at 8; watching chat shows on TV for a couple of hours and then sleep off. Good heavens.. my life isn't like this. It's a lot worse! I seldom do the last three things I said. Somehow, I feel I have been losing connections to my own self.. Thanks to the cute lil flowers, the bubbly kids on the streets, the occasional laugh at work despite all stress and the more occasional family gossip.. for only in these situations, I feel my heart.. I feel a glimpse of real joy peeping in. At least, I'm "living" those moments...

I don't blame my work. That was my choice. I fought up to become a chartered accountant... to slog and prove. I know this is just a temporary tide... I wouldn't just "be" all life. And it doesn't mean I roamed arnd as a piece of science from Japan all these days. I have had my feelings, deep reflections, small incidents that impacted me big.

The one I've always wanted to write about was the new year eve celebrations. For the first time since my teens, I decided to spend my NY eve without bhajans... And guess what? I went for a rap concert in MGM Dizzee World... Pikachu was leaving abroad a day later and I badly wanted to spend time with SVAP. The start was fun! The moment we walked into the arena, I actually felt bad.. not cos I wasn't at home listening to my fav bhajans but seeing the youth crowd there and the crazy things they were upto. All drunk, most crazily dancing and a few even stripping their shirts off! They were probably "ENJOYING", they'd say! Well, I choose not to use the word for such action. I don't blame them. But I'm bothered...

I'm bothered we'd falsify the expectations placed on us. Brainy stat profs say India would have the largest youth population in the decade to come... India would be in a mad race against the world and become an economic super power. Indian youth would have the biggest roles to play in all spheres of the society..I trust the brains that told all these, with the very little logic mine carries! But, is the title "super power" all that we need to live and prosper? If money is all that counts, then we sure will rock! But if humanity, love, care and morality do matter, we will starve, a lot more than Somalia does, today. For we are slowly becoming self centred, paddled horses running on our own tracks just to be catching up with the materialistic world. How long would we run? Until we just stop for we do not know our destinations.

Well, if you are thinkin, "Is all fine, Sri?", guys.. "ALL IZZ WELL!" These writings keep me aware of the fact that I should never become one such paddled horse all life. I'm sure I won't though I actually am running now. It's okay to run but it's not okay to keep running. My days would change and I'd start living my heart out!

Love...
Sri!

Way to be...!!!

My friends have always called me a "Workaholic"... And I have, more often than not, taken pride on being called so. I have thought it's my specialty to run and yet not feel tired. I have thought it is such a wonderful feeling to complete my work over the weekend and show it up the next week day.. I have enjoyed the expression of awe on my peers when I do that. But within me, there is this deep voice that keeps saying, "Charan, don't worry you are working so much.. Don't worry that you'll miss those little things that have made you feel better. You can very well balance both these worlds... with Swami around you all the while!"

I have never been unhappy in my personal life. I have always enjoyed going thro the ups and downs... But at times, I feel my work eats up my personal space, time and self. And in such times, I look up to Swami and say, "Please handle this for me. I am feeling broken. Just rest in my heart.. let me know you are there. I'm a crank who, once in a while, wonders if you really do love me. Don't feel bad for it.. please!"

And in response, Swami gives me one strong shot of rejuvenation.. through situations I never anticipate... just like this weekend.

There are two things that I value the most next to my family and Swami.. Music and SVAP! (If you didn't understand what SVAP meant, please revisit my earlier posts!!) And I enjoyed showers of love and goodness from both over this weekend. A brilliant music programme for a unique occasion.. A dozen kids singing the tunes I had the privilege of teaching... When the programme ended, I felt I had just gotten back to living after 1 month of just "being"!

"Well, that's not enough!", Swami chided.. He gave me touching moments over dinner with SVAP. I have managed to answer my buddies, whatever they ask, and that too, to their satisfaction. But the dinner was kind of different.. They asked me simple questions I never knew answers for.. They told me little words to which I never knew how to react.. And in spite of all this, I was smiling with a couple of tears ready to roll off any moment. Flattery is not something I desire or deserve. But when I saw straight into each of those eyes that were looking at me, I felt I was being loved more than I had ever imagined. I probably didn't get up and hug them, but they knew I was doing it.. A hundred times all through...

I don't know why I'm writing this on a public wall. I thought I should write... do one of those "little" things that are inevitable for my "living". I don't know how my weekends ahead are going to be. But I know, that I'm being loved so much that these worries would lose in a tug-o-war.

Love...

Sri!