Five months with the Poles

The Poles are interesting people.... trust me, they are. 

There is a standard notion about the Poles - the ones that don't so much smile; the ones that stare at different skin colours; the ones that can be quite complaining and mentally closed to anything non-Polish. I like bringing in a free look at people and things, and not get so carried away by presumptions and notions. I decided to try it out myself and it has been quite interesting how this is turning out to be... 

In the first few weeks of my stay here, I would have given an A+ to the guys that sent out those notions about this country. Yes, they were visibly "not so warm"; I have received strange looks at the tram stops and yes, some of my first conversations were not as pleasant as I would have liked. 

For any Indian, I believe diversity is in the mental fabric quite unconsciously. It starts from our gulli friends who speak different languages, school mates who bring different dishes to lunch, social groups that celebrate the same festival in a zillion varying traditions and college friends who introduce American sitcoms and world cinema. My fond memories of school life are the evenings with Joseph and his family, even celebrating Christmas with them and beating eggs to help his mom bake the plum cake I love! And all that experience builds a level of tolerance and understanding that "everyone I know doesn't have to be like me and I can still cooperate with him/her amicably". It naturally helps settle faster than any other homogeneous community with a multi-national corporate. 

Well, how is that relevant to this whole Poland story? It is... in how Poland is at the absolute other end of the spectrum on diversity. 95% of the population in Poland is ethnic, and almost the only religion in practice is Christianity. So a foreigner walking in Poland is like an American walking in Ambasamudram - you are sure to get stares, but you won't be asked for a selfies; the Poles like it done in stealth mode! 😎😉

Though most of us have known this country only due to the horrors of the Nazis during WW2, Poland had a troubled history even before the war. It was once the biggest European empire by geography and power and then silently vanished from the map for about a century - thanks to Germany, Austria and Russia that invaded it from all directions. It is, in fact, quite fascinating how they got back together a few decades before the world wars to become one unified country again. But history repeated itself during the WW, with both Russian and German troops trying to fringe into the country. Hitler orchestrated his most devious ethnic genocide in Poland. 

Hold on! But, why did Hitler target Poland for the genocide? That's a great question to ask... the Poles were a culturally open society and extremely warm to other nationals before the WW. They had the largest settlement of Jews in Europe and treated them with absolute respect and equal status in their society. Hitler clearly focused on his biggest catchment area - Poland, for his psycho intentions to destroy the ethnic race. A country with good intentions and noble kindness to a neglected race was an unfortunate victim to wars and hardship. No wonder the Poles would handle everything/one foreign with caution! 

Imagine how America would feel if another Twitter addict, billionaire claiming, partially literate hypocrite decided to run for President the next time! 😱😳😱The Poles have good reason to feel as freaked out with the rest of the world. As some of my friends here say, Poland has no true friends in the world. Just as diversity is woven in an Indian psyche, caution and doubt of intent is woven in the Poles - rightfully, due to the history and the turmoil their ancestors have been through not so long ago. 

Yes, the Poles will take time to trust; they will take time to understand your true intentions; and yes, they are shy and humble people who think what could go wrong first before what could go right.. And, I think they deserve to be understood for thinking and acting the way they do. But when they do realize our sincerity, nothing stops them from opening their hearts and homes to foreigners. 

I have had some amazing times here with good friends and their families. My friends here arranged a bachelors' for me in short notice when they knew I was getting married, they invited me home for Christmas dinner when they knew I was spending it alone and Polish Santa even gave me gifts! 😆😆😆😆

I have a few more months to go here, and I am sure I will have a lot more great memories of living in this land with its loyal people. I have my interesting anecdotes settling here, but those for another time. Happy New Year, and may the best come your way! 

Love, 

Sri

Rant of the moment!

As I complete living almost half the lifespan of my generation, I have come to realise, like many of my contemporaries, that I am probably not living how I would ideally love to, and equally acknowledge that I don't push myself hard enough out of my settled space to start living the way I love to. It is quite an endless vicious cycle, so to say.

I am currently on a flight from Chennai to Mumbai.. and I am scribbling all this down in offline mode on my silly Moto X. So, what triggered me to write against the mighty struggles of a hefty​ neighbour pushing my elbows off the armrest, a scarce board to rest my hands on and the company of an empty Maggi masala cup?!

Well, the reason is this intriguing conversation I had with a stranger uncle (sometimes wonder if I should call such ppl ‘brother’, my hairline is just an inch better) at the Higginbothams store in the Chennai airport. My primary intent: kill time. Every time I touched a shining book, my rather sarcastic mind reminds me of many such in my cupboard, still shining. And there, my stranger friend was perusing some books too, he took one and said to himself, “I didn’t know this author was a Nobel laureate”. I said to myself, “ You knew this author existed?!” What is your business listening to him, you might ask. And that shows, you have never visited this store in our airport. It's like the hand-wash in Adyar Ananda Bhavan - 3 basins in the place of 1 and inevitably, you sometimes get so close to another that you even hear what they are thinking in their minds! (#Detour: Reminds me of the words in my office elevator: Avoid unwanted body contact 😅😅)

He probably had the same intents as me in that store, but then he must have been inspired seeing me looking at books like I was Chitti, intensely scanning the contents. He smiled and said, “So do you have any suggestions?”. I said, “Well, I am looking for new releases by Robin Sharma or Mahatria.” He said, “Aah okay…” I elegantly floated out of the store and stood by the boarding gate, wondering about this conversation. His question, and my response had zero relevance, an absolute zero.

And I started reasoning what had made me give such a response  - and this simple thing struck me… the monotony that our lives have become. 5 years back, I would have asked that person what his interests were and managed to build a decent conversation. But now, our human interaction abilities are diminishing primarily due to the monotony and the borders we prefer to stay within. The forced exposures to the society and new people during my college, school days and internship years are now gone. Today, I choose whom to interact with and to what extent. My only new exposures are colleagues at work, and how I interact is almost defined by his/her professional relationship with me - as a customer, peer, subordinate or manager. As much as I try to be genuine, the interaction will not be fully expressive - in the confines of the pseudo free corporate environment.

I only wish I get better at dealing with such situations, and I also wish Higginbothams has enough space to avoid such collisions. More pertinently, I wish I live the “present” moment as I aspire and be more focussed on what I am saying and doing “now”. And that my folks, is my karuthu for the day!

PS: The inquisitive me went around the store 20 mins later to check what my stranger friend had purchased. He had 3 books in his hand. The look on his face and the title of books somehow reminded me again of my shining collection. 

Happy storing, friend!! 👍👍

Helpless, I am

As it dawns, the whining begins.. 
"Helpless I am, And You don't seem to care! 
How much I trust, and  love.. heed, will You?"

I await a response, in all vain 
He never will say a word, I thought. 
He put me to dust, I was convinced. 

I wasn't to stop, I rambled on..
"You ask me to trust, You never had a promise to keep. 
I feel a fool, I never was Yours."

And then I heard it, sobs. 
My shoulders grew moist - I looked up... 
He stood there in pure white, tears ready for drip. 

His tears can't be answers to me! 
I cared lesser for why He was sad, 
I was hurt and He had to answer, I boasted... 

From all silence, He said, 
"I am helpless, My boy". Another tear dropped.
In all the sorrow, His light shone like all Suns! 

Terrified I was, I caused His tear? 
I dared, "But why are You helpless?"
He saw me, just once. I shook, in true sense.  

"Well, not to hurt, I am cos you make me thus, 
I heed, I speak, I care and I love, 
Who put who to dust?" 

"You heed and speak?" I fumbled. 
"Well, I haven't heard! In all years I am aware
You heard me once, and that is this day."

"Do you seek to listen? 
Do you long to see My light? 
And do you let Me hold your hand?" He simply said. 

So much I wanted to nod yes,
It ached... Deep within. I slipped....
But never fell for His loving hands craned along. 

The warmth, the light were nothing seen as yet
Hoisted back, "But I love You, don't I?"
And I prayed within, "I beg of You, don't say 'no' "

He smiled, "So you claim. 
So your people say. So it is perceived. 
And all of it cannot mean loving Me!" 

"Loving is far beyond an "act" 
A way of life, in word, deed and thought. 
You choose just to act, well you may!"

"In love, there is no blame, 
No sorrow, no fear, no want. 
Only trust, care, joy and peace."

"Never do I let you fall, 
For once, you know this day - I hold you. 
I heed, I reply, I care and I love you"

"Love as you must, Never can you be dust. 
Ever loved and ever Mine - in dawn and in dusk. 
For what love can, nothing else can." 

"Take care, My boy. Helpless I am" He smiled again. 

Tears, as downpour, this time - mine. 

Who's the Hero?!

"For those who believe in Him, this be as you may feel it,
And for those who don't, be it divine fiction."

A weekend at home without parents is pretty boring, indeed. But Sundays are always exciting, especially by the evenings for I am all set to shower my love for Him through bhajans and to receive His grace for the week to come.

I returned from one such inspiring bhajan session and really wanted a soothing cup of ginger honey tea. I walked into the kitchen, humming the lines of the song I had just sung - Sai matha pitha Dheena Bandhu sakha, as I watched Him smile at me from the wall across. I smiled back, and felt a tear trickle down when I sang "tere charanon mein sai mera koti pranaam...".

With a "not so bad" cup of tea in hand, I settled down on the couch making up my mind whether to switch on the TV or not. I decided to go on and check if there were any good English animations playing and the green sensor light on the TV set flashed. My speakers jarred as the Sun Music channel popped up with one little monkey like hero jumping for "pottu thaaku". (I know you guys recognize that one, you don't need a hyperlink on it!) The sudden mood shift irritated me and I, almost immediately, ensured the yell machine was shut.

A couple of prominent thoughts popped up! Who really is a "hero"? And, why such silly songs that do not do any good than just keeping the human mind entertained?

We have associated the word "hero" to the reels projected on screen. He is that person who fights for justice, loves genuinely, handles issues courageously, protects his people from danger, does the right thing come what may. On a lighter note, he is that person who can fight a hundred villains single handedly (especially in Telugu movies), who can bite a bullet, speak pages of script in one shot that presumably inspires people around him and is as worthy that people worship his foot steps!!!

Well, who then is a real life hero? I immediately told myself, "Of course my dear Lord!! Well all those descriptions of a hero fit Him like a glove custom made, don't they?! He is everything positive, all powerful, all pervasive, all knowing and omniscient! He can do more than bite bullets - He can transcend life and touch hearts. He can drown mountains in His infinite compassion and protect His dear from all negativity. He is Om, the eternal energy and the Source of all life. He is... "

The calling bell goes and my glory song is interrupted! I had to pull my stream of thoughts back to its kitty before I could decide my reflex. And then I raised and walked to the door, hoping it was my mom to give me a better cup of ginger honey tea!!

Well, Surprise Surprise!!  It indeed was the mother - not just mine but of the world! At my door step, stood My Master with an innocent smile that conveys a million meanings to million people. He looked up and I felt a whiff of cold air like I had opened a door with a blower over it. The scenes behind him were blurred for I couldn't see the elevator or the door of the opposite flat. So it is, when God arrives at your door step! The indefinite ebbs out to yield to the Infinite.

He walked into my quarters, so silently and simply, like He deserved no attention or regard. He settled down on my dirty couch, looked up and smiled at me, as I was still wondering how He suddenly decided to knock my door! He then asked, "So, should I make tea?" with a slight hint of His all knowing self.

"Hero, No!! I was just wishing.. I don't need it now. I helped myself."

"Hero? No one calls Me that... You don't like the conventional names I have, do you?!", He chuckled.

"Swami, It's not like that. I just felt You were the only one eligible to be called so - "Hero"".

"Oh yeah, I heard you say all those fancy English words!", with His usual charm in the voice.

"But Swami, Isn't all that true?! Aren't you all I said?"

"Well, if you say so! But I like it simple. Love. That summarizes all My qualities. And by the way, you are a hero at times too!"

"You seem to be in a very humorous mood, hero", I said lightly.

"Oh, I am quite serious. You are a hero too... But only at times. If you could love genuinely, you are a hero too. But there are lesser and lesser heroes today. Do you know?!"

Silence hit me. The insight in His words was still being decoded by my faculties. But He didn't let the seriousness of the words sink into me. He started off after a moment's pause, "So hero, Keep good and keep loving. I got to leave now."

"Hero", I began fumbling, "Would you mind telling me why You decided to knock my door today? I am happy You came, but I am equally perplexed."

"I responded to your knock, hero! You knocked My door, and so I decided to visit you."

"But Swami, what do you mean I knocked Your door??" I asked with all surprise!

"Didn't you let your love flow as you sang, Tere charanon mein sai mera koti pranaam? That genuine calling in love is a knock enough for me to respond."

"Wow!! Did that really reach You?! I sing every week for You."

"It did! And yeah, you sing every week for Me... But you aren't a hero every time... You understand what I mean, don't you?"

A thoughtful I responded, "Yes hero", and my eyes searched for His feet in all humility.

"Oh, My boy! Don't worry about not being a hero all the time. You will get there soon. I am with you."

My face lit up with a 1000 watts smile. The assurance was strong enough! My way ahead will be travelled with the Master himself, what more can I aspire for?!

And He chose that moment to say "See you again, My boy" and swanned towards the door. As he reached the door, He looked straight into my eyes and said, "Your second question on songs?? Let's speak soon." and winked!!

I shall not try to explain how I felt. It's beyond any language I know.

And we now know who's the hero!

Love,
Sri

While in the dark, He always is!

It was a breezy Sunday night with a strange lull... I finished my day's routine and was walking back home,  late hours by Indian standards. The bhajans I had heard that evening, the one that I had sung were playing loops in my mind.

But, in all this silence, something within kept telling me there was someone just following my footsteps, like a a leopard stealthily tracking a deer. But I am no deer, bear in mind and if I am one, I am an exception - I confront than run! I stopped and turned around and saw this old man making slow yet confident steps towards me. He was no threat to me - I knew immediately, for he didn't hesitate a second to smile at me like he knew me for decades.

I felt quite like an (oxy)moron then I tell you, I did not know what reactions my body and mind were sending out. But I settled to smile back, and when I did, he said, "Can I join you until you reach?", in this loving authoritative voice! (Oxymoron, yeah?! )

I waited for him to come near me and trust me, he just wasn't impressive! Clothes a few years old, a beard untamed for more than a week, a bend that told me he must be late eighties and hair that spread out in every direction mentioned in a Mariner's compass. In spite of all this, there was something about him that made me listen to him... what,  I still haven't understood.

I pulled the emergency chain on my train of thoughts and responded, "Well, you can! But how do you know where I am going?!"

"Ha ha!! I just live around here... And I know you won't live past my area." I so much wished I give him mokka by going in a completely different direction from his house.

We walked in utter silence for a few minutes, with me guessing where he belonged to, and he smiling at the nasty pup sleeping by the road. After a few steps I asked, "You actually scared me, how long have you been following me?"

"Well, I have been following you for a long time. Rather not get lost in darkness. You have been guiding me!"

A sense of ego set in my mind and with a slight hint of pride, I said " What would've happened if I wasn't here? How would have you gone home?"

"I don't know... But I knew you will come this way."

Summa scene podraan paaren! "But how did you know I would come? Have you seen me here before?"

"Yes, I have. I have seen you around for a while now. I know you, don't you know me?!"

I was reminded of SV Shekhar's dialogue, "Ivaru periya Uganda naatu adhibaru", "No, I don't. I have been here for long too!" I responded in a pretty irritated tone.

He giggled and said, "If you haven't seen me, you probably haven't been seeing enough!! I catch your attention momentarily, don't you think?! Yet, you say you haven't seen me."

In all this, I saw two street dogs wagging their tails and circling his feet. He probably was right... Even the dogs seemed to know him.

A calm uneasiness set in me - for me, this man suddenly started sounding mystic, intriguing. He looks pauper, he speaks vague, but there sure was something I wasn't recognizing. But I did not feel like pursuing the conversation anymore - my mind built its defence of  my high rated personal image. And he seemed to know it.

"You would turn here, won't you? I got to keep heading straight. I will see you later, yet another dark night eh?!" he gave a wide grin and heaved forward.

Chills... People call it, though it heats up your brain up thro' the spine! Most people were (oxy)morons I was convinced! I waved bye at him, and said "Nice company! Have a good night!!"

"Yes I am good company!" he smiled and moved further. And as he moved, he was humming a tune that seemed so known to me...

I took my turn and opened the gates, still wondering what song he was humming... and as I entered my home,  I knew what it was... He was humming my favourite bhajan, the one I had sung that evening,
"Prem Ishwar hai, Ishwar Prem hai
Har Dhadkan mein Tu hi samaa hai
Ishwar Prem hai... "

And as I lay in bed, a flurry of thoughts flooded my mind about this unique encounter. And when I let all those thoughts settle, I saw in the calmness of the moment, what I had not known until then. And as dawn broke, it did break in me too... the hidden messages of my strange companion!

And if you are someone with deep trust in Him, get back and read the conversation for yourself!!

Deeply inspired by my heart's deepest desires and by "Conversations with God"...

Love, Sri! 

What I did this summer...

This summer has been so very different to me...

A flight out of India to spend a whole month in the US. "The dream come true" thing about visiting the US did not happen to me - it does not generally happen to me, I guess! I really did not feel so impressed with Houston when I came here last time. I felt it was morbid, "concrete"-ish, and dull, to the least.

Well, my morbid feeling did materialize to reality this time. Two days after I landed, I got this unique allergy that the doc wasn't able to decode! But then Dr.Kamenetsky told me, "Allergies are very common in this season in Houston. I pop in a pill every night just a precaution, you know!" I haven't popped in anything beyond Hajmola every night back there in India. Plus, oh wow!! How heavenly it was to know this place is generally allergic in summer, and I am spot on not to miss the fun! My Commerce teacher always said "right thing, at the right place at the right time".

And hey, we guys ill treat our doctors in India, I tell you!! I visit this doctor, and they make me wait an hour after I reached there (6 hours before, she supposedly was busy and did not have a slot for the appointment). She spoke to me for ten minutes, and what she spoke, you already know. In summary, she really wasn't able to diagnose, but gave some general allergy pills. I walk out and they show me a check for $150, and my programmed mind immediately does an OANDA.com task (buy rate INR 50 per $). And then I gasped for breath, so much that they offered me water. Well, that is their standard of living - I heard you think. Well, I learnt macro economics too, but I choose not to remember all that especially after the beautiful receptionist said, "Sir, your insurance policy would not be valid here - you may want to claim it when you are back in India".

Well guys, don't sink into sorrow and transfer your contributions into my bank account! My employer will pick it up! :)

But the days after the first week were quite interesting. A strict 8 to 5 work schedule - loads of "me" time, early dinners and early rising. I loved it, completely! I have never been on a better routine I guess. I had this room that was furnished - an awesome couch that permitted me finish a couple of books. And then as days passed, I started loving the place. I enjoyed the silence in the after hours, the courtesy in elevators, the queues in the bus stops, the methodical flow of traffic, the white walking man on signals whom the pedestrians religiously followed. I am a Virgo, so don't be surprised. I wonder if Monika in "Friends" is also a Virgo!  - That statement is indeed inspired by the 2 seasons of the serial I managed to watch in the luxury of my room!!

Another "out of the box" experience I had was the LGBT parade I saw during my last weekend there. Thousands of folks gathered on the streets to support them was a sight to see. To the naked eye, the whole concept may appear like a weird thing, but a deeper thought would probably tell you, it really did not matter how people feel/act - we do so much good in letting them be themselves. We really don't need to form opinions on everything. We, in this generation, feel the urge to have an opinion on everything that happens around us. I choose to differ - I really do not want to form an opinion on things unless I surely need to. I am not going to be on chat shows or in TV biz, where an opinion almost drives the conclusion; where the strongest speaker is the most knowledgeable.

Well now back to my trail, I really wonder if I would enjoy life a lot more, here - so much peace and personal time. I seem to have moved out of this "I will work only in India" thing, not because I would get paid more or because this country is more organized. It is because I like it when I am alone, living life in my own terms. I love my folks but I miss to love myself when I am there. Here, I see so much of myself, think, reflect and end up realising my inner self - it is astonishing how much a stranger we are to ourselves at times, eh?!

But hey, I believe in the omniscience that runs this world. It will keep me where I deserve to be. This moment, working beyond "8 to 5" in my office, I feel so much good. May it just stay!!

Btw, am happy I wrote this - you may feel otherwise, I know! :) My mind has been eluding my writing needs for long! Hopefully, I will write again and a lot more.

love, Sri.

Darkness, behold!!

We all go through tough days, don't we? We have minds that wobble, wander and meander for a resolve; a resolve that never is present elsewhere than within...

And in my view, there are two reasons why days can get tough - for reasons you can't do much about and for ones that are very much in our control. It aches worse to be going thro' the latter. And that may I call, "darkness - self imposed".

Darkness - I have heard of you; yes I have...
I have seen you too, may be yes... but not as much
Ever wondered - Why not just hold light, than fret in fear?!
Why not just live broad daylight than venture the unknown??
Why not rush back to light, for fear doesn't thrill, does it!
If only rushing back was as easy...

Well, there I stand - in the middle of nowhere,
Going back and forth in memory - On the bygone and the "to go";
What brought me here, and in all this dark - where from here?
The past hovers and the future lingers – the present, very much the same
Is there anything at all, that keeps me going?

Yes there is – For one, I surely trust
The voice within – the one that cries peace in chaos
The one that darkness can challenge but never win…
Thanks to what little I have held on to – I am listening keen
Wading thro’ the chaos, reaching out to the feeble cry – the only one…

I look up – though in vain, in all the dark,
And say, “My shepherd, I know – this sheep strayed against your command,
But the sheep is still yours! Don’t let this dark devour you,
For the “rs” doesn’t mean much–nothing it is,
Nothing it can be - Without “you”!

You sent me here, with a secret we share; My bad – I never remember,
But you do – I know. Take my word and give me yours,
You shall not beckon me back – unless it is done!
My word? Never will I take onus of this self, from your safe hands!
That by itself, is such a mirage I know. But Sir,
You put quite some task sending me here!!

Love you Hero,
Sri!

The material ABSTRACT and the immaterial WORLD!

I have a lot to pen down... Quite a lot since I last wrote here. I was talking to my junior Abi a couple of days back on how writing helps me; how well it helps me follows my thoughts to their inner meanings; how greatly it helps me consolidate my character and how satisfied it keeps me to express what is happening within. All that being true, I can only pray I write more, and talk a lot lesser.

Before I go knee deep on my thoughts, it would be safe for me to give a quick flashback of what all happened the last three months. Are you asking why "safe"? Been hearing complaints about amiguity on my context more often than appreciation for good content. 

12 '11 till 02 '12... I probably have to use advanced search functions to find out a similar stretch of 3 months with so much fun and frolic over the past 5 years... And I already see "No results found" on the dumb screen. A lovely trip with SVAP - D (Deepak included :) ) to Masanagudi in late December, a memorable CFL award at work, accolades from colleagues, appreciation from my line, a happy-happy performance rating, my most beloved student clearing his CA Inter exams with Woh! marks, an unexpected trip to KL, catch up with Prakash at Langkawi, a sweet Coimbatore visit with office colleagues, lovely outing to Catherine falls... Doesn't that sound like an over doze? It does, at least for me.

What does a profound title like that have to do with such happy times? I have always learnt and tried remembering from my best reads, that good and bad times carry lessons. Experiences come with a reason, and there never is an exception to the rule. Unfortunately, we take the bad ones too seriously and the good ones, too lightly. In either case, we never look out for the lesson. The most precious moments for insight are often lost in grudge on the person who was the physical cause for the event, or worse, in cursing god for all the ill luck He is showering on us. If I do know this, it is unreasonable not to look back and understand what my lessons were from these experiences...

Masanagudi was selected as "the spot" for SVAP's annual outing based on our earlier experience with Parambikulam sanctuary (Top slip). Too much an expectation, I tell you! We travelled 16 hours from Chennai to spot two deers, one peacock, and one other animal that the driver suspected to be a leopard (he probably wanted to please us!). In material sense, it was not what an agmark CA would call "value for money"... But the conversations that got exchanged, the insights that we shared and the love in our hearts meant so much that it belittled all these flops. We realised how much we missed and needed each other in our lives; how important it was to have loving friends share their frank opinions about each other and spend quality time on the self.

I also so fondly remember how much I longed to travel out of India... All my close friends had travelled - US, UK, Singapore, Dubai, Australia.... I have always felt I should get the experience closer to today than to the unknown future. And when my boss pulled up the KL plan overnight, I was jumping! I, in fact wanted to get back and write a blog on the KL visit, strewn with pics. I don't know how many times I thanked Swami for the opportunity - He should have thought "Ivana laam vaechi...!". But closer to departure, there was a strange emptiness in me, I was no more thrilled nor was I afraid of going away from home.

Indifference - I think, is apt. When I landed in KL, yeah, it was good to be in a foreign land, but things after all weren't so different, especially after seeing a mini Tamil nadu out there! What made my experience of KL memorable was the Mahashivrathri bhajans - I walked 40 mins through the stinking fish markets of KL to spot my Hero's physical abode - The Sathya Sai Centre of Ampang. How I felt during the bhajans and the vedic chants is quite unexplainable, or even if it is explainable, I leave the bliss to the silent memory of my inner confines. Not just that, the love my long time client and her husband showered on me was way too much. Taking someone around the city at 12 in the night? If I were hosting a dinner for a foreign colleague in India, I sure wouldn't do as much!

The Langkawi experience - the beautiful blue beaches, natural scenery, loads of profile pics, strange sports like eagle feeding, freak out with friends in a deserted beach and most of all - the 3 hour chat with Prakash on the beach side, looking up at the skies.. What more can garner that feeling?!

If the point hasn't reached yet, I just need to prune my writing skills more! :)

Life's most important and impacting companion is the abstract - the invisible. The joy of being with people you love, the care in speaking selflessly for a friend, the warmth in hugging your beloved, the bliss of the divine, the vibes within listening to the sound of a beautiful cascade, the solemn through the silent walk into the private tea estates, the sparkle of pride in the eyes of Saip's mom are all abstract. The abstract is very uncanny - he fills the heart momentarily, but disappears in the hides of time. The more we realise and connect to the abstract, the more happy and balanced we will be as human beings.

Who cares if Sri went to KL or Langkawi or Masanagudi? Who cares if my student scored a 45 or 62? Who cares where I saw the deer and leopard? Who cares how much Sri got for his CFL award? Trivial they are, and carry no value over time. The material world - gains too much attention, and loses so much as Indian cricket team would, if they ducked in a test series. The more we connect and care on the material, the more wanting and less loving, we will be as human beings.

The material abstract and the immaterial physical...

Love,
Sri

Autobiography of an Appatucker!

Woh!!

I spend so much time on the title usually, and this time was a zapper!... If you were to ask how much time it took for me to come up with this title, I would probably say "one soppi second"... Cos my collection of books rests just above my monitor. And if you do not find Paramhamsa Yogananda's "Autobiography of a Yogi", hit me on my head! Plagiarism is so beneficial to mankind I tell you...

That's enough crapping Sri.. Now.. Who is this "Appatucker"? Most people would look baffled on this question... Thanks to my friend Arun, for discovering the meaning of this word, as diligently as Vijay discovered Jo's hip in Kushi. My professional institute carries the honour of selecting biological specimens with numerical sense and putting them into a little bit of non sense in what it calls GMCS (never mind the acronym, folks)! If you felt I was trying to become the English TR, apologize right away! My inspiration for anything I do is, more often than not, a biological specimen equivalently cranky as I'm, one Mr. Murali in this case. I may not be too good in "past reading" though I'm sure on this one... This guy inspired the likes of Shakespeare and Bernard Shaw, I bet! English flows so fluently off his tongue, like it just wants to die than to live as he speaks. Not to put down his charisma as an elite member and the 45 minute introduction he gets, let alone whether he is humbled by the reading. I would yield to agree he is a great professional at least in sympathy for the guy who read it - throat dry and eyes wet.

65 of my equivalents underwent this course with me and walked out the gates after 15 days with loads of information, as every student does. How well he put it to use is a question of behaviour, which is, by no means my intent this time. The characters we saw and experienced over these 15 days were so much peculiar and vivid that I thought about them all thro' today. Worth a record, I felt, and here I'm, scribbling this out in the middle of the night.

Among all the teachers who walked into the Brahmayya hall, Mr. Srikanth was the first to impress me... Not for his open appreciation of our brilliance, not for calling us intellectual aristocrats, not for his hilarious comparisons between his wife and Ram's wife, Sita... The guy carried an ingenuity in his word, great respect for his profession and a sincere heart for mutual well being. And then came in Mr. Pratap - with a very effortless smile on his face and a loving intention to interact with us. The ease with which our guys spoke to him, in spite of his age, makes me reconsider my views on generation gap. His extremist views on my faith and strong words against it did hurt me, but I consider it the Red litmus test on my roots - I'm proud I did not take it personally and instead respected his opinions, as they were. My faiths don't need his support and his opinions have nothing to do with my experiences. All this was given up - just by looking at the humility he carried and the twinkle in his eyes!

Not to forget PG! While I may, with all my rational mind, call him an extremely emotional person; opine that he spoke nothing that was relevant to the course; confess that I did not like he insisting on his physical illness all thro' the day, I am bound to respect the man for the sincere efforts he is taking to fight the odd. More than all, I was touched when he made it to our valedictory on a rick.... and humbly retired in a few minutes.

The Motta Boss!! I hated him for his Peter English and the Australian accent. Trivial they are, in front of the reasons why I would look up to him with high regard - a marketing guy, a taxi driver, a security officer, a soft skills trainer, an incorrigible orator and above all, a patient who recovered from coma, by sheer will. Best of all, he never shared his sorrows to the class... nor did he look like one who faced all that. If he could worsen his drinking skills a little more, he is all fit to be a youth icon, at least a million times more than Rahul Gandhi.

If I hadn't seen these characters and a few others like Mr. Kumar and Mr. Vijaygopal, I would have considered the course a complete waste of my efforts and time... Not that I did not learn anything at all, but I felt we deserved a lot more learning for the 15 whole days we traded it for.

And hey, that isn't all! The bunch of friends I got from the classes - For god's sake, no one spoke of Accounting Standards and Amendments to Sch VI to me. My guys made the 15 days sail easier for me, not that they oared it for me... They stood along in the wait for the tides!

The practice sessions, the medleys, the lunch pays, the "Nithya" pressures, random drives to the beach, the silly quarrels, "small girl" dialogues, and a lot more I can't put in here.... Will never forget them all. The course might not have ended in a happy "La la la... la la... la la la" due to the slight rifts that cropped up, but personally, I think nothing else could have built the bonds I now have, and the introspection I now rejoice.


Not to regret, not to miss, I am now done with GMCS. More importantly, to much of your relief, also done with the post!!!

Love,
Sri...

It just doesn't matter!!

What am I doing at 11pm in the night without already awaiting good dreams?! What the hell am I trying to do logging into my laptop at this odd hour in the night??! Why have I behaved so barbarian like and yelled at home all thro today? Why did I refuse to move an inch from where I was sitting over the past seven hours? I don't know.. And the conclusion is simple.. I"VE GONE CRAZY!!

I have always wondered and criticized people who follow cricket so crazily.

"Are these guys out of their mind?"
"Got nothing else to be bothered about?"
"Jobless people treating a game as anything but a game"

I apologize guys... If the game can make someone as indifferent as me to do all the things I listed above, it deserves to be treated more than "JUST A GAME"... The spirit that the last two weeks has induced in me is beyond my fathoming. What cricket has done to me is something I'm indebted to forever! I, never in my wildest dreams, imagined I will shout at the top of my voice for every ball, every stroke... Wept when the moment came up... "INDIAAAAA.. INDIA" is what I have messaged the most this day... Can I myself believe I chanted Chamakam for India to win this day?

It doesn't matter who you are; whether you like cricket or not; whether you know the rules or not... IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER.. For the indomitable spirit of this crazy nation, for the love my people have for the game and the title, for the million prayers across the nation, for the "God of Cricket", JAI HO!! This moment captured in my amateur words will stay with me all life just as the other one I wrote on 13 Aug'09.

I swear... on this great occasion, not to use the words, "JUST A GAME" ever again in my life... for any sport.

Sri...

Well, I do believe!!

I believe...
I'm good, growing and learning; though I know
I am not seeing enough of the million lessons that are being orchestrated for me.

I believe...
I'm being tuned every moment by invisible hands to be what is planned for me, yet
I keep screeching like the old radio, without knowing which frequency to capture.

I believe...
I'm living my life the way I want it, yet causing the irony -
Stopping a lot of people from living lives the way they want to.

I believe...
I'm running to be the best of men I know, though I sincerely acknowledge
I am not even there in the league that's racing.

I believe...
I'm being hand held and guided along my path, yet screwed up on my head
Not to believe it most times and venture the dark in vain.

I believe...
I am down-to-earth, though at times people say,
"Your earth is slightly above mine".

I believe...
I'm an extrovert caring loads for people I love, yet
so selfish and introvertic not to love the people I don't love.

I believe...
I'm blessed to be embraced and cuddled by so many, though
I'm silly enough to throw away relations at will, without thought.

I believe...
I'm doing quite a lot for my world, also knowing
"Quite a lot" is not quite enough for my world.

I believe...
I'm devouring my ego myself and being humbler, but hey..
I want to devour it myself. Who are you to insult me?

I believe...
I'd someday be an inspiration for someone if not many, in spite of knowing
Day dreaming is not so great after all, "day working" is.

I believe...
I'd be missed when I am gone, though I know
It is not so bad as people missing me when I'm still around

I believe...
I will soon find some reason for believing all this,
And I more than believe that this reason exists!

For without this reason, without this will, We wouldn't exist.
What am I if I don't believe?!

With loads of faith,
Sri...

Sparkles... over time!

I'm seated here...

On a white cozy chair next to an old oak table with silver beading beside a plush Samsung LCD TV, after a refreshingly long bath in 434 of The Zuri, Whitefield, B'lore. This, probably, has been my most comfortable stay in all these years of travel.. Thanks to my employer, he pampers me like a kid! In spite of all this luxury, I feel extremely lonely sitting in this room, watching barely at the brown wall in front of me, and occasionally munching my almond snack. Travel is never boring for me.. but today, it is.

It is... Probably because I don't have my Akil to patiently wait for me for hours at the Forum mall, just to say a bright "Hi" without even letting me feel guilty for the delay; ask me courteously where we shall go and pleasingly accompany me to the same restaurant over and over again, just cos I love the Bindhi masala there! Or is it because I was all hyped up last time I was at this place, for my successful results gracefully donated to me and incidentally have no such stuff this time around? Or is it cos I badly miss the manager who would happily take me from Blore to Parthi overnight in spite of all his physical strain? Or...

Well, whatever!! This solitude and emptiness makes me realize that I need to speak today.. Or rather "Speak out"... On a couple of things that have made me think in the recent past and those that impacted my ways. I don't plan to write a flowing note here... I plan to pen down - "as is" caught up within me.

My energy hub runs NDTV - 24by7, I literally meant 24by7.  That's one reason why I prefer picking my coffee and carrying it to my desk for a relaxed sip. I somehow do not understand why 24by7 news channels (that too, a dozen of them!) are needed in India. Well they do have something to keep showing.. Be it the Page 3 shots from yesterday's party at Vijay Mallya's beach house; or the Ground Zero coverage of fan response for Endhiran; or the quasi entertainment avatar of showing exceprts from reality shows - Headline at the heated 9 in the morning goes "Top thief exits BIG BOSS 3 on Day 1" - Waah! What indispensable news for people to know!! But I should not be so unfair to them either.. They have given me humour to laugh over for more than weeks.. "DELHI MAY CRAWL TODAY" - Well if you did not understand that, it is supposed to mean traffic snarls are up in Delhi due to CWG. The next one is the best - "BUTT BACKS OFF" - no comments! Indian media, in my opinion, is more bothered about publicizing itself than providing what is needful to the people. There are times my mom would coerce me to watch news every day. These days, she shys away seeing what is disguised as news. What counts most for them is the fasionable statements like "Exclusively on Times Now", "Pictures of the accident - first shown on world television".. Well, I wouldn't blame them for all this - they are probably forced to or, they probably like being forced to do so. One recent consolation was the way the media handled the Babri masjid case - "Putting India first" - for once showing solidarity in thought and ethical responsibility. I would want to write more on this.. but something else is overpowering my intention...

"Conversations with God" - This book caught my eye when I was perusing thro' the multitude of books in Landmark. The topic interested me.. And I read the preface.. It was about a man who incidentally happened to get responses from God for questions on his personal life. It soon became a habit and he started penning down all that God told him and published it as a book. Mind it.. It is not fiction.. It is a real life piece of work. The preface won in a tug of war between the price and content and I ended up buying the book. It was a philosophy in slightly complex words.. I read the pages at least twice before I turned each of them. The book re emphasized my belief that we are small pieces of the vaster divine. It told me that God is an experience and not a phenomenon. It captivated me when it said that all happens as a result of our present and past thoughts and deeds. I linked each word of it to my present faith - karma, omniscience, omnipresence, world conscience, the energy within & above.. And I felt great!! But then, it slowly moved into higher contents like the reason for world sorrow, hunger, illness - all in first tense as God's very own words. It was a full lot of 15 pages.. And I managed to read it once. I re read it once again and then the third time. And beyond that, I shut the book and left it in my shelf - untouched for over 20 days now.

I ask myself why I did it.. Somehow, it made me uncomfortable to try to know beyond what I know. I did not want the philosophy to sink in me by reading a 100 times.. it has to flow by experience. I realize that I did the right thing. In my opinion, philosophies are not created by mere thought. Instead, deeply motivated habits/deeds, unknowingly, become philosophy in due course of time. Siddhartha did not walk into the forest to create a philosophy.. He went to practise habits/deeds that would make him happy. And then one day, someone called it "Buddhism"! This is the reason why I enjoyed reading the book until I connected to what it said - cos I believed in it and lived in that faith. When the book reached heights I have never been to, it looked like nothing more than a thermophysics book to me! I knew nothing it said... I haven't realised any word it said. I probably would read it again some day.. some time when I am beyond those peaks too.. and feel really great again.

Until then, Ignorance is bliss!! And until then, I would remember this evening I planned to blog after long and scribe down my silly yet sincere thoughts.

Here I am seated, thinking beyond time, enjoying the dim light of my table lamp and the silent hum of my laptop's fan.. about the heart filling way in which I spent the last four hours!

Love,
Sri

3 yrs @ work!!

I completed three years at my first workplace last Friday... I actually didn't even think I should sit back and reflect on all these days that's just gone past me.. but when I sat to blog after a long time today, I was looking for something that I could write on... something that's light.. not a deeper one again!  

I notice people read the deeper ones but seldom comment... I don't have reason to complain until they felt there is even very lil truth in what I had said. I guess people don't blog to develop a fan base.. At least I don't! Well, yeah.. So, I thought I should write on 3 yrs of corporate life... I wish I don't fill you with too many introspections in this piece!!

Those were the final days at college... I had been the organizer, editor of a couple of newsletters and pretty much known to every Commerce student in college... I would be telling you a very obvious lie if I said I did not like being recognized. I loved the fact that people knew me but I ensured I never fed my ego on it. Thanks to my spiritual affiliation.. I guess I handled limelight quite well. And yeah, there were people better known than me... the Secretary, Cul Sec, and a bigger list.. So I better not have ego!! :)

The last two years of college had given me a lot of confidence. I have always believed I would do well with extra curriculars but Loyola was my first "on ground" experience. I remember Sarvesh and Arun Davis cornering me near the coffee shop and asking where I'd join articleship... I had no idea... Guys around me were talking Greek if not Bulgarian.. Din make a difference to me!! Frankly, I hadn't even thought abt it. That very evening, an acquaintance told me about this place and gave me the contact. I didn't even know to whom I was speaking to (realised after joining that it was the Partner!) , but I remember asking him over the phone, "Could you please spell your firm name?!" I'm surprised he excused me for that!

From there on, the interviews, aptitude test and stuff went on pretty well. And hey, I'd fondly remember and laugh over the way the GD happened. We had a panel of three to judge us and I guess there were 5 participants that day. The AC vents blew straight on me and I tried my best to remain calm. I have my limits of patience, eh?! The next thing I did was... grabbed the AC remote and turned it off.. One of the panelists was staring at me! And then I realised.. "lighta too much a pannitomo?!" I gave a timid smile at her and said, "I guess you don't mind it for a while". "Bulb da mach unakku!" I told to myself walking out of the conference room that day. It was two days before "Big Bucks" (our departmental festival at Loyola) and I got a call on my antique Motorola mobile at Valluvar Kottam signal. Movies have always associated calls at signals to bad news! Thank god mine was otherwise! Sarvesh was through as well and we decided to join work on April 2,'07, the day our final sem study hols started!

If I shall talk about all the incidents @ work in these 3 years, I might end up in a book a lil bigger than Chetan Bhagat's "3 mistakes of my life", a lil less interesting though. I have also spoken quite a lot on work life in previous blogs. On a personal note, I've always believed that my personal life is different from professional life and I still believe it. I still remember telling one of my close friends, corporate life doesn't want to know how good you are at heart. It wants you to show how shrewd and sharp you are, up there on your head. True it is, but I have also come to understand, I can't live a machine at work place. I need to have my own tune that shall not disturb work and there is absolutely no need for me to copy the common tune on the floor.

I have met very good ppl and built great relations in these years... Warm peers who understood me completely, very concerned managers who gave great support and confidence to do what I wanted to myself... close buddies who wouldn't even talk to me at work but watched every move of mine and corrected the wrong ones... Inspiring top heads, friendly admins and a real cozy workplace that I'd not miss visiting at every chance in spite of the memorable long & stressed out nights there!

Well... I don't know how good Ive been to all these ppl.. but I know that on any day, if these ppl were to list down the names they remember from here, mine would at least be the last one...

Love...

Sri!

The Deeper Ones (Part - II)

I wish I had Amaron batteries fitted onto my body.. "Lasts long.. really long!"
I sit and wonder these days how many times I would have told my dear ones that I'd never live a mundane life.. waking up at 6; bathing at 7; leaving to work at 8:30; get back home at 8; watching chat shows on TV for a couple of hours and then sleep off. Good heavens.. my life isn't like this. It's a lot worse! I seldom do the last three things I said. Somehow, I feel I have been losing connections to my own self.. Thanks to the cute lil flowers, the bubbly kids on the streets, the occasional laugh at work despite all stress and the more occasional family gossip.. for only in these situations, I feel my heart.. I feel a glimpse of real joy peeping in. At least, I'm "living" those moments...

I don't blame my work. That was my choice. I fought up to become a chartered accountant... to slog and prove. I know this is just a temporary tide... I wouldn't just "be" all life. And it doesn't mean I roamed arnd as a piece of science from Japan all these days. I have had my feelings, deep reflections, small incidents that impacted me big.

The one I've always wanted to write about was the new year eve celebrations. For the first time since my teens, I decided to spend my NY eve without bhajans... And guess what? I went for a rap concert in MGM Dizzee World... Pikachu was leaving abroad a day later and I badly wanted to spend time with SVAP. The start was fun! The moment we walked into the arena, I actually felt bad.. not cos I wasn't at home listening to my fav bhajans but seeing the youth crowd there and the crazy things they were upto. All drunk, most crazily dancing and a few even stripping their shirts off! They were probably "ENJOYING", they'd say! Well, I choose not to use the word for such action. I don't blame them. But I'm bothered...

I'm bothered we'd falsify the expectations placed on us. Brainy stat profs say India would have the largest youth population in the decade to come... India would be in a mad race against the world and become an economic super power. Indian youth would have the biggest roles to play in all spheres of the society..I trust the brains that told all these, with the very little logic mine carries! But, is the title "super power" all that we need to live and prosper? If money is all that counts, then we sure will rock! But if humanity, love, care and morality do matter, we will starve, a lot more than Somalia does, today. For we are slowly becoming self centred, paddled horses running on our own tracks just to be catching up with the materialistic world. How long would we run? Until we just stop for we do not know our destinations.

Well, if you are thinkin, "Is all fine, Sri?", guys.. "ALL IZZ WELL!" These writings keep me aware of the fact that I should never become one such paddled horse all life. I'm sure I won't though I actually am running now. It's okay to run but it's not okay to keep running. My days would change and I'd start living my heart out!

Love...
Sri!

Way to be...!!!

My friends have always called me a "Workaholic"... And I have, more often than not, taken pride on being called so. I have thought it's my specialty to run and yet not feel tired. I have thought it is such a wonderful feeling to complete my work over the weekend and show it up the next week day.. I have enjoyed the expression of awe on my peers when I do that. But within me, there is this deep voice that keeps saying, "Charan, don't worry you are working so much.. Don't worry that you'll miss those little things that have made you feel better. You can very well balance both these worlds... with Swami around you all the while!"

I have never been unhappy in my personal life. I have always enjoyed going thro the ups and downs... But at times, I feel my work eats up my personal space, time and self. And in such times, I look up to Swami and say, "Please handle this for me. I am feeling broken. Just rest in my heart.. let me know you are there. I'm a crank who, once in a while, wonders if you really do love me. Don't feel bad for it.. please!"

And in response, Swami gives me one strong shot of rejuvenation.. through situations I never anticipate... just like this weekend.

There are two things that I value the most next to my family and Swami.. Music and SVAP! (If you didn't understand what SVAP meant, please revisit my earlier posts!!) And I enjoyed showers of love and goodness from both over this weekend. A brilliant music programme for a unique occasion.. A dozen kids singing the tunes I had the privilege of teaching... When the programme ended, I felt I had just gotten back to living after 1 month of just "being"!

"Well, that's not enough!", Swami chided.. He gave me touching moments over dinner with SVAP. I have managed to answer my buddies, whatever they ask, and that too, to their satisfaction. But the dinner was kind of different.. They asked me simple questions I never knew answers for.. They told me little words to which I never knew how to react.. And in spite of all this, I was smiling with a couple of tears ready to roll off any moment. Flattery is not something I desire or deserve. But when I saw straight into each of those eyes that were looking at me, I felt I was being loved more than I had ever imagined. I probably didn't get up and hug them, but they knew I was doing it.. A hundred times all through...

I don't know why I'm writing this on a public wall. I thought I should write... do one of those "little" things that are inevitable for my "living". I don't know how my weekends ahead are going to be. But I know, that I'm being loved so much that these worries would lose in a tug-o-war.

Love...

Sri!

A day to remember...

Dated: 13 Aug 09

I think Keelu was right when he said, "This is your first milestone and you need to put it on record..." I haven't come into blogspace for real long now.. Probably due to the lack of the right mindset, work pressure or a hundred other reasons... But I thought I should write today... Not to let the readers know that I have become a Chartered Accountant today but to impress my feeling this moment onto this wall. I wish I never delete this post.

Early at 9 30 this morn, Rohit, my colleague at work, asked on the elevator, "Hey, so you are going to be a Chartered Accountant?" And that's when I actually got heated up and secreted more adrenaline straight into my head.. The panic button was switched on... And the only one Emergency alert key I knew was the right navigation key on my mobile phone! The Music player loaded with my most favourite bhajans filled some faith in me and I watched on in patience. The suspense unveiled and I came to know I had done it... Or rather I was made to do it. I called up my bro and said, "Dude, I'm a Chartered Accountant today" (Though technically not.. Lil more of internship pending).

Emotions enveloped me... My mom's voice over the phone - I heard her shed tears of joy and I felt I was being a repsonsible son giving her what she deserved (if not a lil less). The numerous calls from all acquaintances - The "Machi pikkara" from friends, "I'm happy for you" from my Admin staff, "I love you" from my kith and kin, "You deserved it Chief" from my juniors... I wasn't on Cloud nine... I was in fact walking on the ground floor for 2 whole hours. To be frank, I didn't feel the world turn around welcoming me; nor did I feel an additional medal pinned on my chest... My feeling was primarily gratitude and joy.. I remember telling one of my buddies, "Swami maela irundhu thooki pottaaru.. naan catch pudichittaen". Might sound silly.. But I seriously believe it.

Few things that touched my heart.. deep within.. The moment I saw many of my school friends change their status messages to "Charan is now CA"; the way my 94 yr old deaf grandpa picked the phone and said "Congratulations kanna"; the enthu in my grandma's voice when she said, "Rey Auditor!"; the pride in my dad's voice; the hug from Keelu and the lovely musical session with Ram. I knew God has been blessing me abundantly... But so much all in one day?! Mind blowing!!!

Love,
Sri...

The deeper ones. . . ! Part-1

Forever been a passionate follower of the Sherlock Holmes series... And was lucky to have had my hand on few of the English oldies based on the book. I have always been baffled and sometimes annoyed by the vocabulary of the author of this series - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle... annoyed cos he makes me use the dictionary almost all the while... Baffled for the depth in his words and the richness in his philosophy. To give the least feel of it, I write on here, a dialogue in the movie "The Pearl of Death"...

"No more than a symbol of greed and cruelty and lust for power that have set men at each other’s throats down thro the centuries and the struggle will go on Watson… for a pearl, a kingdom, perhaps even world dominion till the greed and cruelty have burnt out of every last one of us. And when that time comes, perhaps even this pearl will be washed clean again..."

 I thought these words would be a fine beginning for this post... Movies have been a great way to while away time for me these days. I have never been moved by emotions on the screen (excluding Taare Zameen Par and the like) and never have I thought so much after watching a movie than I did post "Luck by chance" with Sushi and TR (No.. that's not Simbu's dad! This guy is more hilarious and expressive than him and hey...! Does speak good English haan?!)... I remember telling TR i did not know how to react at the end of the movie. Was I to feel happy? Sad? Contented? Come on guys...! It is just fine with me to spend 3 hours to try to find out what the makers wanted to say, but I should know it at the end! You can't make me feel numb (rather dumb??)! 

But on the way back, it dawned on me that the movie said everything subtly, in deep silence... The darkness in the film industry, the clash of ethics, the silly courage of power, the stupid reason to corrupt or flatter, the lust for stardom, the idiocy of greed and the basic realities of falsehood.... It said it all. And it made it me think on all that night. 

The film, by fair judgments, was the best ever known realistic portrayal of the film industry... But it hurt me, in true sense, about how extremely selfish people can become. It made me feel I was in a big big selfish world around me.. I was seeing probably all roses. It made me realise there is no right or wrong in the world. There are no ethical rules for the world. Ethics are self made, self tailored and self amended!! 

I wouldn't be right in saying I'm totally selfless. After all, none of us are. But on my scale, it is not being selfish when you think about yourself. It is being selfish when you think ONLY about yourself. And this latter statement was just the theme of the hero's line in the movie. I, in fact, started wondering if I will have to do all this foul play to move on big in life?! Is it a reality I'm missing to see? Am I moving on blindfolded? Or am I adamant not to remove the blinds?

My thoughts swirled all night... I spent hours listening to my favourite bhajans to interrupt my thought process. A guy with a unique craze for numbers - You know how I would take comfort on uncertainties of future! Watch the trends... Look at past performance... Extrapolate!! I did the same. 

I wasn't born with a silver spoon... But it hasn't been such a rugged path for me till here. I haven't achieved pinnacles but I'm climbing pretty fast. The people I have met, the buddies who love me, almost everyone who knows me - I don't think I have played a selfish game for winning their hearts. I have never buttered someone to take on good projects at work... But i still hold a good place in my organisation. And I still work on the real big projects! And then did it dawn (reality as well as a metaphor!!) that THE SECRET is all that matters!! The altitude of thoughts, the purity of heart will take you wherever you have to go. After all, I don't say God takes me wherever I have to go. I take responsibilities for my life. So aethists, beware before you comment on this!! 

I would just say that I believe, "At the end of the day, it does not matter at all how big you are outside. What matters is how big you are within...!"

This is just the beginning of the secret! TR has a major role to play in the episodes to be narrated henceforth... So See you soon guys!! Do comment... I know you have quite an opinion on this...

Love..

Sri!!

"Untitled"

The days of Mani Ratnam craze... Alaipaayuthey... Kannathil Muthamittaal... I have seen the former movie quite a lot of times.. The latter, only once - and that very solitary time I saw the movie, it moved me. The thought of the pathetic lives of "War prisoners" and the song "Vidai kodu endhan naadae" impacted me more than I could ever explain... That very night, I sat up to write this piece... I have never shown it to anyone all these years.. I was digging my shelf this morning for a book and ended up pulling out the scratch of paper on which I wrote this poem... I have not titled it. I thought I better not do. It is a personal, abstract feeling and I didn't want to exploit it anymore....

"Whale in a pond" - Odd isn't it?
So small a territory
- though same the inmates!
So strange a world
- though same the livings!
So are we - odd better!!
To where do we belong?
"Men of no land" - better said...

War at home - the "hunt" for peace...
The pursuit ended in more havoc!
More chaos - in where we landed...
Panicking, running for lives...
Fearing to be "Prisoners of war"
We are "Prisoners for survival"!!!

The world we live in,
The faces we see...
Caught for mortem -
Our lives and our thoughts!
So pleasing to hear "Rights"...
So meek to have none...!
To where do we belong?!

Where no one lives except with fear? or...
Where everyone lives except with rights??
Let us... Our posterity??
"Generation - Prisoners" are we...??
A better option - "to die"
Than "to live dead"!!

My @ Home days!!

I've been at home now for more than a month... I was so damn excited about staying home for so long after my college days ended. But yeah! I wasn't given leave for a leisure trip to the Swiss!!

I have always been this meticulous guy who plans every damn thing perfectly before starting study. I did it almost perfectly this time round as well. Well begun is half done, yeah?! It is just half done till date. I never believed when a couple of my seniors told it is pretty hard to get into the study drive especially after slogging for insane hours at office for more than a year and half. Bullshit!! I thought... I have probably been misled by my fantasy... He was more than a 100% right!!!

I shouldn't take the blame more than necessary though.. True I was a lil playful, a lil reckless and a lil too lazy... (Well now, insert that "Anniyan" dialogue for me here... "10 paisa thiridina thappaa" thingy! Suits me well, at least in this juncture!) But I better feel happy, I did not waste all the sweet times... Did quite a lot of useful things... And here I go in telling you what so good and bad I did, felt and thought in my "@ home days"!

Web su do ku!!! I have become one total addict to this site... Especially cos the ranking it gives encourages me. (I'm now on rank 13!!) It has been my habit that I solve the su do ku everyday on The Hindu. One reason my dad still doesn't mind buying the daily reader... I at least get to flip through the pages after the su do ku is done. To keep my brain ticking, I thought I'd play more of su do ku on the net... Nice idea right?! Well it kept ticking too much.... I lived on these su do kus for at least 12 hours a day for the first 15 days! I'd surely not call it a total waste of time EOD!!!

Warcraft III - As a kid, I have never played video games... Better late than never, you see!! Warcraft, Age of Empires, NFS and NFS underground kept me occupied for some 3 hours a day... I loved NFS and NFS underground cos I won the games genuinely!! :) Okay now, don't think how I win Warcraft... Only my junior Ambarish knows about it!!!

The lil left out time in the day goes for my after noon naps, the soothing evening walks and my morning tuitions! Every night, I go to my study schedule and shamelessly look at what all I have been accumulating, undone. But I think it is just natural to be a lil casual in the first "few" days.

"The Quality of English is twice blest!
It blesseth him that takes him that gives!!"

If you are thinking where these lines came in suddenly, it is my appreciation for the ambiguous words in English like few, around, about... And the lines?! A rip off from "Quality of Mercy" by Shakespeare !! :)

There are certain specific things I'd like to say... Deeper ones.. More thoughtful moments... Very insightful incidents... Catch you soon with them! This is just the prelude!!!

Love...
Sri!!